


Notes From the Author

by outlineincolor456



Series: The Fuck Series [2]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-21
Updated: 2020-09-21
Packaged: 2021-03-08 01:00:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,162
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26577208
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/outlineincolor456/pseuds/outlineincolor456
Summary: This is not a story. Seriously, it isn't.I hate putting author's notes in stories, so I put them separately in a series for the audience of one of my stories. Completely optional to read, it gets sad, and rambly. I'm crying. This is an A/N for my work Fuck Me, Fuck You, Fuck Them, and Fuck That Guy Over There Especially.I get comments on occasion asking about updates for this story. For anyone reading that story, this can give you an idea why it hasn't had an update lately.
Series: The Fuck Series [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1933072
Comments: 3
Kudos: 7





	Notes From the Author

Hey guys, I just wanted to put out a note for ya'll since it's been a while since I updated Fuck Me, Fuck You, Fuck Them, and Fuck That Guy Over There Especially.

I've been super busy some days, other days I'm barely getting out of bed during daylight hours. I've been horribly depressed, something I've suffered with since I was like...10 years old. A good fourteen years of managing my severe clinical depression makes it very, very, VERY frustrating to me when I slip up and I'm not managing it as well as I had been. Last year was really hard around this time, my Aunt Heather, as some of you may know from my posts on my Tumblr at the time, was getting worse. Her cancer had been spreading and making it hard for her to breathe, a tumor the size of half a loaf of bread swelled and grew on one side of her throat last January. Thankfully that was managed with radiation and it went away, not without side effects; of which she suffered through what they call "Radiation Recall" where radiation treatment areas react badly with the chemotherapy and create as it's descibed poorly "a blistering rash", really it was more like a chemical burn that made the first few layers of the skin on her neck, throat, collar, and the back of her head peel away. The only real treatment that's found to be effective against radiation recall is a sulfa cream, which Heather was allergic to, causing her to take Benadryl so often that she wasn't safe to go into the office for work; never mind she had a huge open wound and an already compromised immune system. Then in the early parts of last September, the same thing happened on the other side of her throat and the doctors heard fluid in her lungs. They drained her lungs, put her on an antibiotic ( no they didn't test the fluid *sigh*) to clear up whatever had caused the fluid, and radiation and chemo went on for the tumor. It shrunk down some, and after a while it went away. The fluid returned and returned so eventually she had Plurex catheters put into her right lung. I drained her lung at home every day.

A month later and she was still having a hard time breathing. I had gone in to help her go to the doctor, she had barely been getting any sleep because she couldn't breathe when she was sleeping due to her left lung being nearly completely full of fluid. I patiently tried to make sure she was able to tell her doctor, but she was so exhausted she couldn't remember to tell the doc even though I had just reminded her in the waiting area, so, despite not wanting to interrupt or put words in anyone's mouths, I piped up; told her doctor that she was still wheezing in her sleep and having a hard time breathing subconsciously. Her doctor listened to her lungs and with Heather being so dehydrated, she told us that Heather needed to go to the emergency room immediately; even if it was just for fluids.

Heather was admitted to the hospital that night and they put a catheter in her left lung. Late October Heather was back in the hospital, where she stayed until Halloween. October 31st, 2019, the doctors gave us the news: Heather's cancer had spread to her lungs. Just after they had stopped radiation on the tumor on her neck and throat, finding it wasn't shrinking it any longer it had swelled considerably. For a near-solid month I did everything I could for her, we had Hospice nurses in every other day, I drained her lungs, made sure she had plenty to drink, and we watched pretty boring tv. Mid-November brought Heather needing a hospital bed and my Aunt Karen; Heather's older sister and my mom's younger sister, to come to stay with us to take care of Heather.

The first night she was here, we sat down and had a little family meeting, something I'll never forget. I'm currently sitting on my couch upstairs, in my spot, where I sat that same night, Karen sitting diagonally across the room on the bench, directly in front of Heather. Basically it went like this: Heather asked me to make sure the smaller things she needed done were taken care of, dinner and the evening dishes; since I don't eat breakfast or lunch on a normal day (that's another can of worms, but you don't need to worry about me ya'll, I promise I eat enough,) making sure the cats are taken care of, grocery shopping with my grandfather, stuff like that. Karen would be in charge of the bigger things, with the exception of draining Heather's lungs, since I knew exactly when Heather would start to feel the pain and need it to be stopped it would still be the one medical thing I would be doing. Karen decided to pick a fight with me. Right there. Her little sister, dying as we speak, sitting right there. 

I still hear Karen saying the things that broke Heather's heart. "Cassie, you're nothing but a lying, selfish, terrible person. You lie to Heather, all the time! You play grown-up, but you don't do anything. You don't take any responsibility. You don't care about anyone. You dress up and act like what you think an adult is, you play pretend. You treat Heather like shit, you don't care about her. I know you don't like me, and I don't care. I never liked you either, and that's just fine." There were some other things she'd said, but all I remember besides that is Heather, sitting on the couch next to me, BAWLING, this strong, independent woman who cried but never sobbed, not even when they told her she was dying, and she said in the most heartbroken voice "You're breaking my heart, you're breaking it."

I made sure Heather had the box of tissues, got up, and started leaving the room before I said things that would have broken Heather's heart even more. Karen decided she really wanted that fight though, "Don't you have anything to say?"

I turned to Heather, shook my head and told her I'm sorry. I turned back to Karen, "No, because I won't break Heather's heart like you did."

The next four weeks that Karen was here, I spent as much time as far away from her as I could. I went downstairs to my room that night and called my mom; who wanted to punch Karen in the face for everything she said. 

Heather died on December 21st, 2019 at 17:40. I was putting dinner in the oven. My sister was attending her boyfriend's parent's Christmas party they were hosting. My mom had been about to put her own dinner in the oven. My brother had just finished making dinner for himself and my grandmother. I had to explain to the funeral home workers that they would need to use the back door since the front storm door didn't open wide enough for some people, let alone a gurney.

Heather left my sister and I the house, of which I am now paying the bills for after the estate paid for six months starting in January. Heather also left me her Jeep, which I am now learning to drive on. I've named it Beep and it has a small toy sheep in it on the hand bar above the glovebox, something Heather put in as a homage to a children's book called "Sheep in the Jeep" that she read to us as kids. That Sheep will forever stay in the Jeep and will pass to each car I own in the future.

January came and I was solidly burnt out. February came and the concerns about COVID-19 was starting to become very real in the USA, and by March 17th, ten days after my birthday, my state declared that a lockdown would start on the 22nd. I had started seeing someone I had gone to high school with and since we knew each other we decided it'd be alright, with us both following a two-week quarantine beforehand if he'd come to stay with me for a little. That was kinda a disaster. I ended things with him in May partly because he wasn't respectful of my space, but also my sexuality.

In April my eldest cat, my baby that I moved into this house I'd shared with Heather with, Zip, she was getting sicker and sicker. She was my baby, I'd had her since she was 5 months old. She was my world and I miss her so much. Zipper Bean was 17 years and 13 days old when I had to take her to be put to sleep after months of feeding her via oral syringe and several medications and suffering a seizure the night before.

I'm still struggling right now, her loss on top of losing Heather, who I was extremely close with my entire life, two of the most important beings in my life gone. I'm having a hard time with quarantine, worrying about money, getting all the bills switched to my name while having no credit, taking care of my cats that I adopted from Heather upon her passing, trying to do some repairs to the house to save me some money in the long term. Writing a rather depressing story, such as Fuck Me, Fuck You, Fuck Them and Fuck That Guy Over There Especially is so difficult. I want to write for it, I love spunky little goth Sam, but I'm afraid of what it would do to me if I did. I didn't even get out of bed until 15:00 today ( yesterday). All I want to do is get in my Jeep and drive, which I can't do legally without another licensed driver in the passenger seat. I just want to drive, put on music, and crank it up.

This time of year feels so wrong without Heather. It feels even more wrong without Zip. I feel so lost and sad, I have no idea what I'm doing, my house is a mess, I haven't showered, I have so much to do but every time I feel up to doing it I start and then five minutes later I'm gone. Like a fucking tumbleweed in the wind. Whoosh. The cherry topper of Supernatural ending is just *chef's kiss*.

Right now I'm mostly worried about making sure to make the unemployment money covers the bills the next couple months. Hopefully, something will be put in place before the election in November to make sure that everyone is getting enough money to pay the bills monthly. Right now it costs about $1k to run my house monthly, if I was paying everything alone I'd be super screwed.

TLDR: Life is screwing me, has been screwing me since last August. I lost my very first best friend in the world last December and I'm still barely handling it. I lost my 17-year-old cat, my baby, my kid, my daughter, world, sun, in July and I don't know how I managed to hold on. My house has a lot of work I need to do to make it less of a heating disaster for the winter. I'm learning how to drive and MY GOD I HATE MY DRIVEWAY AND WHY IS MY GARAGE OFF CENTER????? YOU COULDN'T HAVE MOVED IT FOUR INCHES TO THE RIGHT??? I'm terribly depressed and I just want to sleep.

Anyway, thanks for reading this, if you did. I know it was long and rambly and depressing. I'm trying hard, but rest assured I will be back for this story. I just don't know when. I have the Google Doc open, I want to start chapter 11, I just don't know when.

You can find my wincest/J2 tinhat blog on tumblr under j2sunflowerbaby. My main blog is plushrumpasaurus, but please any J2/Wincest/ Supernatural asks should be sent to j2sunflowerbaby, my siblings follow my main blog and I really try to not bombard them with SPN since my sister won't watch it and I'm dragging my brother by his fingernails into the fandom. I also post pictures of my kitties on my side blog, so you may see Puddle, Storm, or T'Other Cat!

I have other stories, I'm mostly working on a J2 mob AU at the moment that feels like it's writing itself. I accept writing prompts on my side blog, along with suggestions on what you'd like to see happen in any of my posted works.

I sincerely appreciate every single comment and kudos. I see those emails in my inbox and I just get so happy, it's a real treat.

I love you guys, and I love that you guys find my work worth reading.

Thank you,

Cass


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